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Mark looked down.
“I should never have allowed you to be the only person in the room who didn’t understand.”
That was the first thing anyone had said all night that gave me space to breathe.
No excuse.
No request that I forgive him.
No claim that he had only been protecting me.
Just:
I was wrong.
Mark spoke quietly.
“We were wrong too.”
I looked at him.
“The joke started because we didn’t know how else to talk about her.”
I frowned.
“That doesn’t make sense.”
“We were idiots.”
“That part makes sense.”
For the first time all evening, something almost resembling a laugh moved through the room.
Mark didn’t smile.
“We saw Daniel happy again.”
He rubbed his forehead.
“And I think making it a joke made it easier for us.”
“For you.”
“Yes.”
“Not for me.”
“No.”
He nodded.
“You’re right.”
Daniel’s mother wiped her face.
“I hated that joke.”
I turned toward her.
“But you never stopped it.”
“No.”
“Why?”
Her voice trembled.
“Because Joanna’s death almost destroyed him.”
She looked at Daniel.
“For years, we were afraid even saying her name would send him backward.”Explore Name Books
I stared at her.
“So everyone protected Daniel.”
She closed her eyes.
“Yes.”
“And nobody thought about what that secrecy was doing to me.”
“No.”
The honesty hurt.
But at least it was honesty.
I sat again.
Daniel remained standing.
“Why didn’t you tell me?” I asked.
This time, I wanted the real answer.
Not the easy one.
He sat opposite me.
“For a long time, I thought telling you would make you feel second.”
I almost laughed.
“Instead, you let your brothers literally call me that.”
He winced.
“I know how insane that sounds now.”
“It sounded insane twenty years ago too. I just didn’t have the information.”
He nodded.
Then said:
“There was another reason.”
I waited.
“I felt guilty.”
“For what?”
“Surviving.”
His voice became quieter.
“Moving on.”
I stared at him.
“After Joanna died, I couldn’t imagine loving anyone again.”
He looked toward the blank television screen.
“Then years passed.”
His eyes returned to me.
“And I met you.”
I said nothing.
“I fell in love with you.”
His voice broke.
“And instead of feeling only happy, part of me felt ashamed.”
“Because of her?”
“Because I was happy without her.”
That landed differently.